My Why- Part 1

My why. Why am I here? Why did I start this journey in the first place?

I started my weight loss journey in January of 2010 but to understand where I am today, the journey goes a lot further back. When I was born, one of the first things my peditrican told my mom was, "If she was a boy, she would be a football player, she definitely won't be a ballerina" (Or at least this is what my mom always told me. Maybe to make me feel better about my larger size. ) In elementary school, I was ALWAYS the heaviest and tallest in my class. Everyone always assumed that I was older than I was because of my size. In the day care I attend when I wasn't in school, parents supplied all the snacks and lunches. each parent brought enough for one day of the week and everyone would share (completely unheard of these days because of allergies, food sensativities ect. ) During snack, the day care provider would stick a GIANT bowl off doritos or oreos in front of us and we would never be told when to stop eating. For most of the kids at the center this wasn't a problem, for me it definitely was. During the school year my mom would give me money for lunches or snacks and I would buy multiple bags of chips on top of the lunch she provided. At the age of 8 I was eating 15 bagel bites as a snack. (A FREAKIN SNACK!)

As I got older, as a middle school girl, sleep overs were the thing to do. At these sleepovers would be anywhere from 3-6 girls, and I bet you can guess who was the biggest one... Yup you got it right, I was. As a middle schooler the high light of sleepovers is trying on clothes, and putting on make up. The make up I could do, the clothes not so much. After the first few sleepovers, when I realized I wouldn't fit in anything that my friends had, I started making sure I packed enough clothes to be able to change outfits as much as my friends.

In high school, I was still the heaviest and on top of it, I had acne... REALLY BAD ACNE. It was hard. I went to a school where I kid you not, the next biggest girl was maybe a size 4. I was in a 12 -14 at least. Most girls were having their shirts taken in, meanwhile I was just trying to fit in the smallest skort possible. I was called shamoo because I was a swimmer and water polo player and bigger than nearly every other girl in my classes. I wore a uniform through out middle school and high school and being the biggest one always made me stand out. I mean try weighing the most but having to wear plaid everyday. Seriously, not the most slimming pattern. I played 3 sports in high school which kept me extremely busy and I think the only thing that kept me sane. My mom was my rock through out these very tough years. The amount of nights I came home crying about my day, I can't even count. The amount of times I got made fun of because of my size or because no one was interested in me. I barely had friends and boys.. ha.. never EVER interested. Dances, I still went but never with dates, only with friends. Lets just put it this way, high school was HARD.

Then I went to college. For the first time I felt a little more normal. Not everyone was tiny, and I wasnt the heaviest person on campus. Some guys wanted to date me for the first time in my life. I finally felt like I could be happy. BUT the thing about college, again... NO portion control. You have that little swipe card that allows you in to the cafeteria where there is basically any and every food you could possible dream of. In the beginning of my college career, things were easy. I found a routine, I ate healthy went to the gym with a friend. I started to slim down. Then I found a sorority. And I would never change that. I made life time friends but they also introduced me to fraternities. My healthy habits began being traded in for nights drinking, late night pizza and hang over breakfast. I was grateful I played water polo in college, it kept me some what focused on staying in shape. I mean try jumping in the pool hung over and then having to practice for 2-3 hours sprinting and wrestling other girls. puke city.

Fast forward to my junior year of college. I was in love with an older guy. Someone I had met at my summer job on the beach. Someone who didn't bring out the best in me, actually probably the worst. Who ate southern food, drank sweet southern tea and had no fitness goals or aspirations. Thats where the weight really started to pack on. By January of 2010 we had broken up and I found myself alone, and very unhappy. I knew it was for the best but during our relationship I had completely alienated myself from nearly everyone who cared about me which left me extremely alone. I had gained an obscene amount of weight, I didn't even recognize myself in pictures anymore.

I was too embarrassed to go out so I spent a lot of time alone in my dorm room talking to a few friends high school on the computer, including a guy friend that I had had a secret crush on since 2007. He went to college in New York, and I had visited him once before. He was also a waterpolo player, very attractive, smart and (to me) the perfect guy. He gave me hope that I would be able to find myself again and ultimately love myself again. We talked for a while catching up on things that had changed for us since going to college. It was so nice reconnecting and I hoped that maybe someday we'd be more. Then one night our conversation turned toward the dating topic. I will never forget that night. It changed my opinions of myself and lit a fire within me. We both had been drinking with friends and I had got the courage to tell him how I felt. I patiently waited for his response hoping that it would be that he felt the same. But instead his response went like this... "I want you but I wish you had better legs"....

come back next week to hear the rest of my story